Changing Lines: A Bellevue Bullies Novella Read online

  The feeling of being ripped to shreds because you can’t give your loving husband a baby.

  It’s torture.

  I inhale deeply as I kick my feet back and forth from where I am sitting on the exam table. While I am nervous about seeing my doctor, I’m more nervous about seeing Tristan today. That doesn’t happen a lot. I’m usually really excited, but Jude’s comments kept me up all night. I played out every single scenario in my brain. If Tristan was involved, if she wasn’t, and everything in between. I get what Jude is saying, but I worry that she would regret it. That she would miss the baby. Or maybe I’m thinking only what I would feel. I miss my nieces and nephews like a part of me is absent, and they aren’t even mine. This is Tristan’s child, and she doesn’t want to be a part of its life? I can’t comprehend it.

  But then, he won’t be hers—he’ll be ours.

  I know people do this a lot. Young women who want better for their children, but with Tristan, I want to feel it’s different. I want her to care, to be involved. But the more I’ve thought about it, the more I don’t think she wants to be. It freaks me out, and it’s going to be a hard conversation, but I need to speak to her about it. I just wish Jude were here with me.

  I hate when he’s gone. I miss him terribly, but it’s the name of the game. The good news is that they accepted our offer on the house, and we close in a couple weeks. It frightens me to think we’ll be bringing a baby on a plane and then to a brand-new house that neither of us has lived in, but that’s our life. That’s our normal, and our boy will adjust. He’ll adjust because we love him. I don’t even know him yet, but I’m so in love with him. I can’t wait to be a mom. But most of all, I can’t wait to see Jude as a dad. My ovaries always feel like they’re going to explode watching him with our nieces and nephews. He’s gorgeous as all hell.

  When the door opens, it brings me out of my head, and my gaze settles on Dr. Livingston. She is a young doctor, around my age, and has been with us since the beginning. A small smile sits on her face as she pushes her chestnut hair off her shoulders.

  “How are you feeling?”

  I nod, my fingers squeezing the shit out of each other. “Good. I’m following the keto diet hardcore, like you asked, and I only tried to kill Jude twice when he came home with a Snickers.”

  She snorts, but she isn’t smiling like I want. “That’s wonderful, and it shows. Unfortunately, you’re not pregnant. But the great news is, you are ovulating.”

  You’d think by now I’d be used to those words, but every time, it’s like a brand-new stab wound to my chest. I even knew I wasn’t pregnant—I took a test last night—but fresh tears still burn my eyes. Wait. I’m ovulating?

  “I am?”

  “Yeah,” she says happily. “Everything is looking really good. Your lining and uterus look strong. Way better than it had been looking, which is why I wanted you to try keto. The research on what it does for infertility is pretty impressive.”

  “So, I could get pregnant on my own?”

  “I don’t know, and I don’t want to promise that.” She sits on her stool and scoots toward me, leaning forward. “Listen, I know you guys are adopting, so we can wait, but what about another round of in vitro?”

  My stomach drops. We’ve been through four rounds, and I lost each baby. Sometimes multiples. Not being pregnant is one thing, but losing babies… Man… That’s a whole different kind of hell. Especially when you pay so damn much money to get it done, which is why we were looking for surrogates.

  “Is it a better chance than last time?”

  She looks over the chart again, and then she leans over to turn on the iPad. Soon, the ultrasounds of my uterus are showing. She moves her fingers along the screen, explaining what she thinks, but it’s all mumbo jumbo to me. I just want her to look at me and tell me it will work, that we’ll get pregnant, but I know she can’t do that. Man, I wish Jude were here. I hold my hand up as a tear slides down my cheek.

  “So, we’d do it now?”

  She nods. “I have both samples. We can do it today.”

  “Now?”

  “Now. I think it could work.”

  “Could?”

  “I give it solid seven-in-ten odds.”

  More tears. “You’re not screwing with me?”

  “No, I’m serious.”

  I swallow hard. Our baby boy will be here any day now. Are we sure we want to do this now? “Can I call my husband?”

  “Of course.”

  I open my phone and dial Jude’s number. He answers after the third ring. “Sorry, I’m at this lunch. I had to excuse myself for the bathroom. Are you okay?”

  “I am.” My voice is weak. “Dr. Livingston wants to do another round of in vitro.”

  “What? Why? It hasn’t worked.”

  “I’m ovulating.”

  “No way.”

  “Yeah,” I say, breathless. “I know the baby is gonna be here any day now, and I know we’re moving—”

  “Do it.”

  My heart tries to explode in my chest. “Really?”

  “Yes. I’m so sorry I’m not there, but do it.”

  “But the baby? The move?”

  “They’ll hopefully be nine months apart. Irish twins. Close like Jayden and me. We got this. It’s you and me, gorgeous. We got this.”

  I cover my mouth to keep the sob in. “What if it doesn’t work?”

  “But what if it does?” he stresses. “I love you, Claire. I love you so much. Do it.”

  I close my eyes as more of my tears leak out. I don’t have to think long before the word leaves my lips. “Okay.”

  “Okay,” he says on a sigh. “I love you, gorgeous.”

  “I love you,” I say as everything tingles.

  Dr. Livingston cups my knee with a grin on her face. “Okay. Let me get everything going.”

  Oh my God! What if this works?

  * * *

  “How do you feel?” Reese asks.

  Giddy. I feel fucking giddy. The grin on my face is permanent as I drive toward the restaurant where I’m meeting Tristan. Our lunch has now turned into an early dinner, but she didn’t mind. She did some homework from what she said, but I didn’t tell her why I was running late. I want to tell her in person. I did tell Reese, though. As soon as I got off the phone with Jude, I called her, and being the great aunt she is, she’s as excited as I am.

  “I feel great. I think this might be the time.”

  “Oh, Claire, I’m so excited for you. I hope it is. I want it to be. So much.”

  “Me too,” I gush. “Can you imagine, two babies? When we’ve only wanted one for so long?”

  “It would be a blessing.”

  “Seven-in-ten odds are awesome.”

  “Very awesome,” she says, happy for me. “Is Jude excited?”

  “So excited. He isn’t even nervous. He keeps telling me we have this, no matter what.”

  “He’s right. Not only do you have him, you have a huge family that is here for you two.”

  I’m grinning so hard, my face hurts. “I know, and I just feel good about this. I’m not even the least bit nervous.”

  She sighs joyfully. “You don’t know how happy that makes me.”

  I pull into the parking lot. “What are the boys doing?”

  “Flynn is at practice, and Sawyer is out with friends. You know, being boys and giving their mama a heart attack.”

  “How’s the dance studio? What happened with that one crazy mom?”

  “Eliza? Lord, Claire. I wouldn’t even know where to start. She’s fake to everyone’s face but then cuts them down behind their backs. It’s insane. I told her if she doesn’t stop stirring up drama, I’ll ask her to leave.”

  I shut the car door and lock it, a grimace on my face. “Ack. That’s not good.”

  “Eh, it is what it is. Competitive sports brings out the crazy in people.”

  “Yup.” I pull the restaurant door open. I see Tristan immediately, devouring a piece of bread. “He
y, I just got here. Can I call you later?”

  “Of course. Love you.”

  “Love you,” I say before I hang up and tuck my phone into my pocket. I head toward the table just as Tristan sees me. Her face lights up, and I beam back at her as we embrace. She doesn’t get up; her belly won’t let her. It’s huge, and she looks miserable. Tired. Very tired. Her hair is up in a curly, messy bun, and she’s wearing a dress that is stretched to the max at her stomach and a pair of house shoes. God bless her.

  “Feet hurt?” I ask as I sit down, and she nods.

  “None of my shoes fit, so here we are,” she says grumpily. “I’m so miserable. Can you call my doctor and make him take this kid?”

  We share a laugh as the waiter comes to get my drink order. Tristan is ready to eat, so she orders as I look. Once our orders are placed, the waiter heads off as I lean on the table. “So, you’re ready?”

  “So ready.”

  “It should be any day now.”

  “I hope so,” she says as she shifts to the left. “Did you guys get the house?”

  “We did,” I say happily.

  “Is that why you were late?”

  I shake my head, and my grin is back. “Actually, I was at the fertility clinic.”

  She lights up. “Shut up! Are you pregnant?”

  Once more, I shake my head. “No, but apparently things looked really good, so my doctor suggested in vitro again.”

  Tristan smiles. “Did you do it?”

  “Yeah,” I say with a grin. “Jude is hoping we have Irish twins.”

  She furrows her brow. “What’s that?”

  “Siblings born within the same year.”

  She wrinkles her nose playfully as she smiles. “That’s so cute! Oh, I hope you do get pregnant. Though, I don’t know how you’re gonna do pregnancy and raise this kid.” She points to her stomach, and I hate the disdain on her face.

  “I’ll figure it out.”

  “Yeah, you’re a boss. You got this. Man, I hope it works out.”

  I nod excitedly as I take a long sip of my water. “Me too.”

  I watch as her face changes. “You’ll still love this baby, though, right? Even if you have one of your own?”

  I take her hand instantly. “Oh, yes. He already has my heart.”

  Relief fills her features. “Good. I was so excited for you, I didn’t even think about that until just then.”

  She reaches for another hunk of bread as I take her in. She’s such a baby herself, and I remember being her age. I couldn’t fathom having a kid then. I was so immature and wild. I squeeze her hand, and soon, her caramel eyes meet mine.

  “What’s wrong?”

  I blink back my tears as I inhale shakily. “We’ve been thinking and talking a lot about what you said the other day.”

  Her brows come together. “I say a lot of things. What is this about?”

  “About not being in the baby’s life.”

  She looks away, drawing her lip between her teeth.

  “I feel like you’re gonna try to ghost us, Tris. Jude thinks maybe we should let you.”

  She still won’t look at me. “I don’t want to ghost you because I love you. You’re like the older sister I always needed,” she says softly. “But I don’t want to be a huge part of his life.” She finally looks up at me. “Like, I know you want me to be his aunt and be there for birthdays and holidays, but I don’t want that. I want to watch from afar. I still want to talk because, like I said, I love you and Jude. But I want him to be completely yours. I don’t want to get my feelings involved, and I don’t want him to hate me.”

  I swallow past the lump in my throat as I gaze into her eyes. “I want to tell him about you.”

  “I know,” she says softly. “And I know you have to. I don’t want him hating you when he’s older for never telling him, but I don’t want him to want to know me. He can know about me, but I honestly don’t think he will want to get to know me, especially if I’m not in his life. He’ll have a great set of parents. Why would he want the mom who gave him up because he’s a constant reminder of the man who beat her?”

  My heart drops into the pit of my stomach. “Oh” is all I’m able to say.

  “I have full faith that you guys are gonna raise this baby amazingly, and he’s going to be wonderful. He’ll have the life I could never give him, and he’ll be loved by two people who are honestly the best people I know. He doesn’t need me. He only needs you and Jude.”

  Tears gather in my eyes. “I don’t want to lose our friendship.”

  She shakes her head. “Never. Like I said, I’ll watch from afar, and it’s gonna be so awesome. You two are made to be parents, and knowing I get to help your dreams come true only makes me want to make mine come true so I can feel what you do. I don’t think you realize how much you’ve helped me. Emotionally, physically… I owe it all to you two.” She laces our fingers together before covering our hands with her other. “I am excited for you, for Jude, and especially, this kid. He’s so damn lucky.”

  “To have a mom like you,” I say, emotion clear in my voice.

  “No, to have a mom like you,” she says softly.

  I stand up and wrap my arms around her, and she hugs me tightly. I know what we just agreed on here, and I know it’s probably for the best, but my heart hurts. I really wanted her to be in his life, but I’m realizing that was just a made-up scenario in my head. Tristan doesn’t want to be a mom, but I do. I want to be a mom more than I want to breathe some days. It’s a terrifying thought but a fulfilling one.

  One I’m ready for.

  The Test

  Jude

  Claire is rambling.

  “I was talking to Reese, and she offered to live with me while you’re gone if I am pregnant. Wouldn’t that be awesome? Phillip said he’d come too, and I thought we can give them the bonus room, and then the boys can sleep on the couch ’cause they’re teens who don’t care as long as there is a hockey goal outside and PlayStation inside. And then if this is a boy, we can have them share rooms. Though, I guess the new one could sleep in our room for a while. Wait… Maybe we shouldn’t name the baby River Phillip. Maybe we should name him River something else and then save Phillip for the next baby? What do you think?”

  I think she’s driving me up the wall. In our hands, we’re holding her phone with a timer going. We have 1:52 left.

  I press my nose into her cheek. “I think whatever makes you happy will make me happy. Jesus, Claire, you’re making me nervous.”

  She laughs hysterically. “I want this so bad.”

  “I do too, but remember, there is a chance—”

  “No, Dr. Livingston felt positive, and so do I. I feel different, Jude, like it worked. I’m so excited.”

  Which is what has me on high alert. She’s convinced, but I know the reality. I know she has been making such an effort, cleaning up her diet and working out more. She follows the doctor’s orders to a T, but there is still that chance we aren’t able to make our own babies.

  “I am too, baby. I am,” I reassure her. “But please promise me you won’t let this rock you if it isn’t positive. Our new son will be here any day now.”

  She nods, though I don’t see the promise in her eyes. “By the way… Tristan said she feels like it’s gonna happen today. Wouldn’t that be amazing? We’re pregnant, and our baby comes today?”

  I lean into her once more as I watch the seconds continue to count down. “Yes, baby, it would,” I whisper against her cheek. I feel her body vibrating with each thump of her heart. She’s uber focused on her phone, and I’m thankful she waited for me. She could have taken the test two days ago, but she promised to wait for me to come home. Just like our son has. I feel for Tristan; she’s four days overdue now, but it’s all working out. It may have seemed up in the air at the beginning, but I really feel like things are going our way now.

  That we’re truly living our happily ever after.

  When the timer rings, I jump just
as she does. She hops up off the bed, and I follow her into the bathroom where the test is lying on the counter.

  NOT PREGNANT.

  My stomach falls, and I instantly look at Claire’s face to see the tears in her eyes. “But—”

  “Baby,” I urge, taking her in my arms. She leans into my chest, but she clings to the test. “Remember what the doctor said. It may not show on the test, but when we go back in for the blood test, it could be positive.”

  “But…” She inhales deeply. “But every single time, the test always read pregnant. Even when I lost the babies. What the hell? I really thought I was pregnant.”

  She throws the test at the mirror, and it ricochets off and flies behind me, into the tub. I gather her in my arms as she digs her face into my chest, her body shaking violently with sobs. “Claire, these tests aren’t always accurate. You know that. Don’t let this get to you. We said we would wait the two weeks for the blood test.”

  She pushes me away, shaking her head. “But it’s supposed to be positive. I feel different, my boobs ache, I even felt a bit nauseated last night. What the fuck does that mean if it doesn’t mean I’m pregnant? Is it in my fucking head?”

  The tears that flow down her face are like knives to my heart. “I don’t know, Claire. I don’t. But it’s okay. We can try again if the blood test comes back with the same results. Please breathe.”

  I come toward her when she starts to hyperventilate. This isn’t the first time—more like the ninth—she’s had this type of reaction. I was preparing myself since I told her to do the in vitro without me, but now I wish I had asked her to wait. I was being selfish. I wanted her to get pregnant so I could make her happy. I run my hand down her back as she gasps, her tears falling onto the bathroom counter in rivers.